


I loved, and I loved, and I killed you.

by parabatrishum



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Blames Himself, Contains Spoilers for 2x11, Depressed Alec Lightwood, Execution, Execution Using The Electric Chair, Funeral, Graphic Description Of Execution, Heavy Angst, M/M, Original Character Death(s), When I Say Heavy Angst I Mean HEAVY ANGST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-10 00:16:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11115885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parabatrishum/pseuds/parabatrishum
Summary: Following the events in 2x11, this is basically a really sad and angsty thought of mine about what could happen in 2x12, if Alec does not realise that Magnus is trapped in Valentine's body.





	I loved, and I loved, and I killed you.

I would never imagine that I would live long enough to see Magnus dying. I knew that he would obviously die at some point but I didn't believe that I would be there to witness him dying. I was sure I would have already died before I would see the love of my life losing that amazing shine from his eyes.  
  


Even worse, I didn't believe that I would be the one to blame for his death.

 

A part of me wants to blame Clary. If she hadn't shown up we wouldn't have gone to find Magnus in order to get her memories back, I wouldn't have met him, he wouldn't feel something for me and he would have never gotten involved with the Shadowhunters. I want to blame her so much, but it's my fault.

 

I cannot blame Azazel either. I'm the Head of the Institute. I'm the one who asked Magnus to summon him so I could find my sister and I knew the consequences. I cannot blame him for wanting to free Valentine, for trapping Magnus inside his body.

 

Even if I blame Azazel, I cannot blame Imogen. Wanting to execute Valentine is completely logical after what he did to her son. He had also tortured and murdered so many Downworlders. I had never agreed with the death sentence but Valentine deserved nothing other than death.

 

I cannot blame Jace either. He's the one who told me that all this was another one of Valentine's tricks and he had every right to think that. He had even pretended to be Jace's father, it would be easy for him to pretend to be Magnus.

 

Lastly, I cannot blame Magnus. He did whatever he could to tell me it was really him. He did everything, he was begging me and crying and I wasn't listening.

 

No, I am the one to blame.

 

I am the one who canceled the wedding to be with him. I got him involved with the Shadowhunters. I asked him to summon Azazel. I didn't pay attention when Azazel trapped Magnus in that sick bastard's body. I didn't understand something was wrong when "Magnus" didn't want me to go with him. Even when he was so cold towards me back home I didn't understand a thing. I wasn't able to understand that something was wrong with the man I loved - the man I still love. I am the one who didn't listen to him when he was begging me to believe him. I was so cold with him, believing that he was Valentine, that I never thought he might have been right. I am the one who agreed to execute him. I am the one who was watching every second of his execution.

 

We had decided to use the electric chair. It was somewhat mundane, but we all agreed that it was exactly what he deserved.

 

We made him sit down, tying his hands, torso, waist, and legs with leather straps. After that, we put a helmet on his head, that was connected with cables. Even then, I didn't understand by the way he was looking at me that he wasn't Valentine. Valentine would never be sad about his death. He was way too proud for that. The man before me though was looking at me with so much fear in his eyes. Even when he whispered "I love you Alexander" I didn't think it might have been Magnus. I was so sure that it was Valentine who was just trying to mess with us. At the end, I made him wear a black hood and walked towards the checklist.

 

I pressed the button and channeled a stream. Valentine's body started spasming and after 2 minutes it stopped. Imogen walked towards him to check if he was dead, but before she could do so, Valentine broke the straps and stood up, throwing the helmet and the hood off of his head. His head had no trace of injury and he was standing in front of us, alive and breathing. Imogen ran away while I was taking out my seraph blade, pushing it against his throat, without penetrating it.

 

"What did you do? How are you still alive?" I screamed. The creepy sound of his laugh echoed in the room.

"You stupid Shadowhunter, you should have believed that disgusting warlock of yours. But now it's too late," he said and I felt like losing the ground beneath my feet.

 

I walked backward and when it hit me what he said I started running. I had to find Magnus.

 

I was running in the streets of New York, crying, getting weird looks from the passers-by but I didn't care. I had to find Magnus. I finally arrived at his home, our home, and the door was wide open. Getting inside, I found Azazel sitting in Magnus' armchair. When he heard the noise he turned and looked at me, with so much hate in his fully black eyes.

 

"You know, I felt really great when that filthy creature died. He had me locked in that cage for so long and now it felt like taking revenge," he said calmly, spinning a glass of whiskey in his hand.

 

Before I could do anything, Jace appeared and nailed his seraph blade inside Azazel, turning him into ashes.

 

"Why was he here? Where's Magnus?" he asked but I couldn't think clear.

 

With the corner of my eye, I spotted a man laying down, near Magnus' bedroom. It couldn't be, it couldn't be him. As I walked closer, my fears were confirmed. His golden eyes were upright and frozen, without a trace of emotion. Kneeling beside him, I put his head on my knees.

 

I heard footsteps behind and I turned my head, facing Jace, who had followed me from the living room.

 

"Go away!"

"Alec, I ..."

"GO AWAY!!" I screamed, making him flinch and move back.

 

I turned back to Magnus. His body was so hot as if he had been burned. But I ignored it and kept holding him tight in my arms. I couldn't cry. I couldn't do anything. I simply held him in my arms, trying to bring him back in some magical way. Of course, this was not the case, and Magnus remained immobile. After a while, an hour, I don't know how long, I picked him up and lay him down on his bed. There was no way I would leave him on the floor. There, I sat beside him and closed his eyes. Those beautiful eyes, that used to look at me with so much love. The eyes I fell in love with. Those beautiful eyes that I would never see again in my life.

 

"I love you, I love you, I love you, Magnus, so much. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I...I did not know. I love you"

 

I do not know for how long I sat there next to him. It may have been days. I was pulled from his side by an unknown lady and while I wanted to protect myself, I was not able to pull out my seraph blade.

 

"Calm down," she said in a soft voice. "I'm Catarina."

 

She was probably here to take Magnus. Or to kill me. Although she did not seem to want me dead/

 

"Will you kill me?" I asked, my voice trembling.

"No, for Lilith's sake, no. It's not your fault," she replied sympathetically, but that did not make me calm down.

"I deserve it, I broke the Accords. I'm the one to blame for what happened to him."

"It's Valentine's fault, neither yours nor Magnus'. Valentine is the one to blame."

 

I knew that it was my fault, but Catarina would never say that to my face. She helped me get up from the bed and took me to the Institute. There, Izzy, Jace, and Clary were waiting for me. Izzy ran towards me and hugged me. I could feel her sobbing on my shoulder. Looking at Jace and Clary, it was clear that they had both cried, by their red eyes and their wet cheeks.

 

Izzy detached herself from me and followed me as we went to my office. There, I saw my mother and my Max. I walked over and patted his hair, trying to look strong and collected. I had to be strong for my family and the Institute. I had to remain a leader and protect them. Izzy took Max's hand and they all left, leaving me alone with my mother.

 

"Alec, I'm sorry for everything," she said in such a low voice, that I could barely hear her.

"Why are you apologizing to me? You should have apologized to Magnus, he's the one you hated for so long," I replied, and I was about to leave, but a hand on my arm stopped me.

"You loved him though, and I was so mean to him, the same way I was mean to you."

 

I turned back looked at her, drowning in her arms.

 

"I still love him, mom."

 

The same day we had the funeral. I can not remember much. I just remember that I was crying and screaming. Someone was holding me, either Izzy or Jace. There were many Downworlders too. Catarina, Raphael, Dot, Meliorn, Luke, Maia, Simon. There was no way I would not allow them to be there during Magnus' funeral, knowing how much they loved him.

 

 When it was over, they took me to my room. I didn't know what to do. I could not sleep, I could not do anything. How could I re-administer the Institute? The man who in me more than anyone was dead. The love of my life was dead and I really felt like I couldn't do anything without him.

 

The love of my life is dead and I was the one to blame.

 

I stood up from my bed and changed clothes, wearing something darker. I passed all those people standing outside my room and came out quickly from the front door of the Institute. I had to find Luke. He was the only one who could help me.

 

With quite a bit of running, I arrived at the Jade Wolf and got inside. There, I found a pack of werewolves sitting at the tables with their heads down Luke standing in the middle, talking to them, probably about how dangerous his parabatai was, I could not understand. When he heard the door, he turned and looked at me.

 

"Alec, what happened? Am I needed at the Institute?" He asked me full of anguish. He was obviously very afraid, after everything that had happened.

"No, no," I said. "Can I talk to you for a little?"

 

He nodded and led me to the back of the restaurant, to the kitchen.

 

"What happened?"

"Luke, I broke the Accords, right? I mean, I killed Magnus, shouldn't I be punished?"

 

Luke's face softened and he put his hand on my shoulder.

 

"You did not kill him, you are not to blame for what happened, so no, you shouldn't be punished."

"But I was the one who pressed the button, I did not believe him! I should be punished Luke, do something! Throw me to your pack so they can eat me or give me to the vampires, please, please!," I cried out.

"It's not your fault," he said more seriously. "Not even Magnus would blame you, he loved you so much, Alec. Maybe I wasn't his best friend but it was obvious that he loved you more than anything and anyone, and he believed in you. Go back to the Institute and make him proud."

 

Then he hugged me and guided my outside of the restaurant. While walking back to the Institute I couldn't help but think about everything that had happened. Magnus' last words were "I love you" and I wasn't able to show him how much I love him. I didn't believe him, not even when he said: "if you loved me you would believe me." Magnus left without knowing how much I loved him, I love him and I will always love him

 

Because let's be honest, I will never find anyone like Magnus. And even if I find someone who loves me, I would never be able to love someone other than him. Magnus will always be the love of my life. And I killed him.

 

I killed the love of my life.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this. I'm sorry for making you all sad!
> 
> Remember, comments are always welcome!!
> 
> Also thank you for leaving kudos, I appreciate it more than you can imagine!
> 
> If you wanna complain at me, my twitter is @shumdalecki


End file.
